8.5 Month Update
Work's still going well. I've been slowly meeting interesting people. In an email today our top boss said I was "leading" a project. This has never happened. I closed that email so fast because reading it makes me nervous. Like, did I just read that? And what did I just sign myself up for? It's a change in reporting across all our entities due to proposed tax law changes, and I have a feeling the law will change. Later today, a team member asked if I wanted to be part of another special project and I promptly agreed. Hopefully I don't fuck up.
This job so far has been a match made in heaven. Who knew, that my 4th try would be what seems like the one. This seems like a common theme throughout my life honestly. After repeated failures and against all odds, I pull through at the very fucking end. I'm very lucky that my supervisor is the best. I once had a good manager, but it was a brief internship in an otherwise toxic environment. I kept his hand written review notes for a while after I had left. Who knows, maybe he was a key subconscious factor in me choosing to stick with tax. The other members of the team are solid too. It wouldn't work otherwise. Now is the off season... After 9/15 we took a few days off and again after 10/15. And now it's November! 2019 is almost over!
Despite all that, I don't see myself in Chicago forever. It's too far removed from nature and too cold. I visited T in Pdx and while it was a very small town feel, 30 min drive = sport climbing or bouldering = mountains and water. If you could put this job there, I would live there forever.
I ride the CTA daily, and oftentimes it beckons depressing thoughts. Perhaps it's the distinct stench as I enter the building walking towards the turn aisles. It reminds me of any public restroom in China on an August day. Sometimes my eyes dart frantically, trying to search for the source of the odor. Is there a pile of turd laying around? How is this possible? I suppose the filth has long since seeped into the crevices. Then I carefully identify a seat that doesn't appear wet or crawling with bugs, in a cart with other people. It's a good ride if no homeless wander through asking for money, singing, etc. and we aren't stopped randomly.
I realized the other day my parents more or less raised me to hate myself...and I think I do. Perhaps subconsciously a reason I've never wanted kids is precisely because I don't want to pass on my genes, their genes. Like, that shit dies with me. I don't like them. Most kids look up to their parents, but my "dad" is embarrassment. And my mom is weak. Why couldn't she divorce? I don't think she did it for me. I think she was scared of the unknown. Using the reason of "for the kids" as an excuse not to divorce is bullshit and unfair to put that kind of pressure on the kid, which is what they told me from the start.
Some people grow up to want to recreate their "dream" childhood by starting a family, some people are resentful for one parent being in and out of their life...what am I resentful for? I'm resentful for the 24 years of emotional abuse, plus any time I spend with them after moving out because that is just how they are. I don't want to see them or talk to them. I don't even think of them. I feel a bit bad. But why should I? They've already taught me to hate myself, isn't that enough?
I wouldn't be the person I am today without O. Everyone needs a someone. He was there through half of HS, through first year, through all those years at WSU, through the variety of internships, through the time in NYC, through the revolving door of boys, through every single moment. I suppose you could say he saved me. How can I find something I already have? All this time I've been trying to find someone at the intersection between attraction and emotional connection but is it even possible to connect with someone else like this?
If I ever adopt kids, it's because I want to save a life. I'm not going to try to help everyone, I'm not that nice. But I would like to help some.
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MD - is it just pheromones? Why am I still writing about this? I know he's fucked up, I 200% don't trust him, and yet, that is the recipe that evidently gets me off, if I could.
A&L - they were cool for a time but then were seriously rude so I said bye to that friendship. But all it takes is being normal, I'd rather have friends than not. Why they so weird?
N - unexpected person I actually like. Perhaps reminds me of when I started climbing. Is actually a trust fund kid, ha. Is actually smart but not using it, yet. Attractive, but not 21.
T - first friend here, can't say why, immediately liked him. Actually visited him in Pdx. Not sure he's emotionally very strong. But respect for moving somewhere new.
This job so far has been a match made in heaven. Who knew, that my 4th try would be what seems like the one. This seems like a common theme throughout my life honestly. After repeated failures and against all odds, I pull through at the very fucking end. I'm very lucky that my supervisor is the best. I once had a good manager, but it was a brief internship in an otherwise toxic environment. I kept his hand written review notes for a while after I had left. Who knows, maybe he was a key subconscious factor in me choosing to stick with tax. The other members of the team are solid too. It wouldn't work otherwise. Now is the off season... After 9/15 we took a few days off and again after 10/15. And now it's November! 2019 is almost over!
Despite all that, I don't see myself in Chicago forever. It's too far removed from nature and too cold. I visited T in Pdx and while it was a very small town feel, 30 min drive = sport climbing or bouldering = mountains and water. If you could put this job there, I would live there forever.
I ride the CTA daily, and oftentimes it beckons depressing thoughts. Perhaps it's the distinct stench as I enter the building walking towards the turn aisles. It reminds me of any public restroom in China on an August day. Sometimes my eyes dart frantically, trying to search for the source of the odor. Is there a pile of turd laying around? How is this possible? I suppose the filth has long since seeped into the crevices. Then I carefully identify a seat that doesn't appear wet or crawling with bugs, in a cart with other people. It's a good ride if no homeless wander through asking for money, singing, etc. and we aren't stopped randomly.
I realized the other day my parents more or less raised me to hate myself...and I think I do. Perhaps subconsciously a reason I've never wanted kids is precisely because I don't want to pass on my genes, their genes. Like, that shit dies with me. I don't like them. Most kids look up to their parents, but my "dad" is embarrassment. And my mom is weak. Why couldn't she divorce? I don't think she did it for me. I think she was scared of the unknown. Using the reason of "for the kids" as an excuse not to divorce is bullshit and unfair to put that kind of pressure on the kid, which is what they told me from the start.
Some people grow up to want to recreate their "dream" childhood by starting a family, some people are resentful for one parent being in and out of their life...what am I resentful for? I'm resentful for the 24 years of emotional abuse, plus any time I spend with them after moving out because that is just how they are. I don't want to see them or talk to them. I don't even think of them. I feel a bit bad. But why should I? They've already taught me to hate myself, isn't that enough?
I wouldn't be the person I am today without O. Everyone needs a someone. He was there through half of HS, through first year, through all those years at WSU, through the variety of internships, through the time in NYC, through the revolving door of boys, through every single moment. I suppose you could say he saved me. How can I find something I already have? All this time I've been trying to find someone at the intersection between attraction and emotional connection but is it even possible to connect with someone else like this?
If I ever adopt kids, it's because I want to save a life. I'm not going to try to help everyone, I'm not that nice. But I would like to help some.
-
MD - is it just pheromones? Why am I still writing about this? I know he's fucked up, I 200% don't trust him, and yet, that is the recipe that evidently gets me off, if I could.
A&L - they were cool for a time but then were seriously rude so I said bye to that friendship. But all it takes is being normal, I'd rather have friends than not. Why they so weird?
N - unexpected person I actually like. Perhaps reminds me of when I started climbing. Is actually a trust fund kid, ha. Is actually smart but not using it, yet. Attractive, but not 21.
T - first friend here, can't say why, immediately liked him. Actually visited him in Pdx. Not sure he's emotionally very strong. But respect for moving somewhere new.
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