life is fragile

Life is both fragile and resilient. In a moment it can be over, but sometimes you fall 15-20ft off a boulder due to the hold breaking and miss the crash pads, and somehow sustain no head injury or broken bones. It's not been 12 hours so there could still be something very wrong that hasn't surfaced yet. It wasn't me. He was very lucky. I was in a group of 5 at Kraft, at Avian Flu, v4, on the sunny afternoon of 3/21. 

I don't think I've ever called 911 before this. Trying to remember if I have before, I remember during either grade school or high school, I actually used to hold our landline wireless phone close to me during my parents' fights, prepared to dial it. These were memories I nearly forgot. 

We all failed at spotting him, but I was in the fall zone once he started moving left. I always move the pad farther out as the person goes higher but this time not enough. If I hadn't encouraged us to do this problem, this wouldn't have happened. If he never met me, he would be ok. I met him online and introduced him to everyone else. Or rather, I should just climb alone so nobody gets hurt.  

If anything had happened to him, such as hitting his head, spinal injury, I think I would want to die. I still don't know if something will happen in the night. I really hope he wakes up. I wish he would see a doctor but he won't. It's all recorded. I can't even watch with audio. I realize now that life is valuable. It's fucked up I only realize now. I almost killed someone. Climbing is dangerous, belaying is so important (and why it's stressful), as is spotting. 

I've been at my job for over 2 years now, I've been working remote since mid January in Vegas. I am so fortunate. I recently met Best Buy who asked me, who are you close to? And I almost immediately answered "no one." And then I realized, it really is no one. I'm not really sure why I stopped talking to O. I think when covid happened, I started texting and calling friends more. I had the same kinds of conversations as with O and I suddenly felt like I had nothing to say. I thought it was maybe just a long week, but week after week, I felt the same. I starting to save to pay him back, but I still mostly have nothing to say. For the past year I'm not sure I cared about him at all, but after today, I do care. I would help a stranger, why wouldn't I help someone I once knew? I hope he is ok. My capacity to help others is limited, but as I continue to get my shit together, that capacity can increase.  

No Soap is finally in the past. Probably as of several months ago. I hope he's ok too. Emotionally moving on is liberating. And that's the "timing problem." While that wasn't resolved, there was no chance I could really like anyone else. Thinking back, T and J were great guys. So it's not like nobody has ever liked me, I just turned them away. I do think they're better off without me. Is that coming from a place of low self esteem? Or just living up to my mom's words? That I ruin everything, that nobody would ever like me, that if I ended up with someone, that they would beat me? 

I got the first dose of the vaccine earlier this week. That's when I found out my whole family is anti covid vax. So I suddenly have a family of semi anti vaxxers. And it slowly hit me over a 3 hour period. They never expressed it before when we talked about the vax, just that it was far out due to distribution. It would be less concerning if the person that lives with my mom didn't work a shift every week at the local grocery store. An essential worker over 60, refusing the vaccine. Also our family doctor of 20 years also recommends not getting the vaccine. It makes me wonder if any of her judgment calls all these years were sound. My parents trust her. They're getting all kinds of health problems lately and she is the one that they go to. I'm fairly worried about my mom. I think I forgive her for the things she said but they still linger. I pity her, I firmly believe her entire life was ruined by that guy she will now never leave. 

I don't understand why she thinks she couldn't have raised me herself. Why she continues to think that. When she effectively raised me herself and another whole useless adult. Her childhood sucked, her psychotic mom was in control for the first 20 years. Then a few months after university she met him, and that was it. She never had her own life. She sacrificed her whole life. Did she do anything for herself? What does she have? For most of my life, I didn't care about myself or anything. And then I found climbing that motivated me work at something I was no good at. Then I found my current job, that I haven't given up on. That I try hard at. And these are the only two things in my life that keep me going. I hang on tight because I'm afraid of the me that lets go of the only two things keeping the bell jar from descending.