Paths
Well this is different. Like I promised, I am writing again soon and actually have a few things to say even though they are disconnected. Also it's not 3am right now.
DBSK and Maplestory are two things I hold dear to my heart. They define my childhood, along with other things, and by childhood I mean through the end of high school. I don't think a lot of people understand or would be able to empathize, except other avid MS gamers or kpop lovers. MS was not really a good influence at all because it distracted me from what I should've been focused on and I spent thousands on the game over the many years. Do I regret spending all that money? I mean, I guess a bit. But it was fun and unhealthy. If I could go back, would I do things differently and just not play it at all? I feel like if I say that, I'm invalidating my childhood and disrespecting the happiness I felt then. How can I say I regret a time in my life that played an important role in shaping who I am today? It was stupid and better things could've been done with that time but I don't regret it. I think back to those times fondly even if they were stupid and I still miss the game. During that time, I identified more with the pixels on the screen than myself in real life. When I closed my eyes, I saw the game/maps/characters so clearly. My world was inside the game and I think sometimes I wished I was just in the game altogether. So yes, it was my heroin. And from a young age, when we still had dial-up, I loved being on the computer. It was my window (haha o/s pun) to the world and I was talking to people in different parts of the world about our common interests; it was something I otherwise could not find.
So I chose not to play MS anymore because it was interfering with aspects of my life that I ultimately decided were more important. I knew I couldn't do both things and so I stopped the thing I loved but I shouldn't take complete credit for it. At that time the game was going through some serious issues, such as hackers and roll backs constantly for a few months, and I was really fed up. I still surprise myself a little though, when I remember that it's been 2.5 years since I quit that and all video games, and have not gone back once (yes I played it on/off after HS). I guess now I continue to abstain not so much from the fear of a lack of self-control, but that there are other things I would rather be doing. It's not that I wouldn't enjoy playing something, hell I would enjoy it so damn much, but what makes me truly feel fulfilled? But what's wrong with temporary pleasure? Nothing, and I engage in it too, just in other ways. I suppose it is just a matter of lifestyle preference and everyone finds fulfillment in life differently. I have a friend who feels fulfilled by having worked his "40" hours a week (really 40+ in public accounting) and spending his remaining time on various social/leisure activities. I can understand that and I think that's what the original me would have wanted as well. But like I described in my previous post, I am aware of the two conflicting versions of me. Side note, I wrote that just before I read the part where Charlie Gordon describes himself similarly in Flowers for Algernon.
The "better" me, which really is how I regard the newer me, is always wondering what the hell am I even doing? Why do so many people go through life worrying about the unimportant things in their lives, ignorant to what's going on in the world? Every day science is making discoveries towards the creation of new technologies and cures, while the legal world is trying to promote social justice, while artists are providing us with emotional release and connections to one another, while the financial world is enriching our lives through a competitive market, and so on. So then why am I so often consumed by petty emotions when I should be excited to absorb all that I can possibly learn about the world in this short time we have on the planet? To constantly be thinking of ways to advance society, whether that is through simply sharing values, beliefs, and opinions on a matter on Youtube or by improving the lives of those less fortunate than us in an infinite number of ways?
Having an opinion shows that someone cares and that mentality is critical. If we cannot even form thoughts about something, how are we to shape the minds of the future? Not caring or apathy is the death of civilization, of art, of meaning, of truth. The only thing separating humans from other animals is our capacity for thought. But thought alone is not enough, we need independent thought. And that is why a democratic government and higher education are societal imperatives. So that we are free to have our own opinions and choices, and are equipped with the analytical ability to dissect situations to understand the truth (this concept of truth I would like to separately write about in the future). I really dislike people who don't value higher education, claiming that you can get the same education through reading and learning the books on your own. That is merely one aspect of university. If you're doing it right, the entire experience is a rigorous training that tests the limits of your mental capacity, both intellectually and emotionally. It is supposed to be stressful, show you the world and all its problems, and inspire you to go out there and make a difference, recognizing that it doesn't mean to go out there and find the cure for cancer, but that every seemingly small action we make throughout our lives, down to the seconds, will have an impact. And to just live a life of curiosity and learning.
So in the beginning of this unexpectedly long post I also mentioned DBSK. They have been disbanded for a while now but even as my music tastes shift, they will always be my favorite and I know this now. When I hear the individual members' voices, they feel incredibly familiar and I think I could recognize them if I heard it anywhere. There is this intense closeness I feel and of course, I can tell all their voices apart. Not uncommon, I do associate memories with songs so of course, their music holds a lot of meaning to me, despite not understanding the language. Speaking of which, one reason I am really glad I can understand/speak Mandarin is the ability to understand such songs. It opens the door to so much music for me and I have to say, the feeling when listening to music in Mandarin is different. The ability to understand multiple languages enriches our lives by providing access to other cultures to appreciate all it has to offer and to broaden our understanding of the world. And to the people who argue, what is there to care about in other cultures, I only have to say, please continue to remain ignorant in your small bubble, while those of us with the capacity to understand how the world is interconnected live a life rich with information and experiences.
Lastly, why is this post titled Paths? Because when I was considering these topics, I was wondering where I wanted to fall in all of this. What do I want in life? I'm almost 24 and there really is no time.
DBSK and Maplestory are two things I hold dear to my heart. They define my childhood, along with other things, and by childhood I mean through the end of high school. I don't think a lot of people understand or would be able to empathize, except other avid MS gamers or kpop lovers. MS was not really a good influence at all because it distracted me from what I should've been focused on and I spent thousands on the game over the many years. Do I regret spending all that money? I mean, I guess a bit. But it was fun and unhealthy. If I could go back, would I do things differently and just not play it at all? I feel like if I say that, I'm invalidating my childhood and disrespecting the happiness I felt then. How can I say I regret a time in my life that played an important role in shaping who I am today? It was stupid and better things could've been done with that time but I don't regret it. I think back to those times fondly even if they were stupid and I still miss the game. During that time, I identified more with the pixels on the screen than myself in real life. When I closed my eyes, I saw the game/maps/characters so clearly. My world was inside the game and I think sometimes I wished I was just in the game altogether. So yes, it was my heroin. And from a young age, when we still had dial-up, I loved being on the computer. It was my window (haha o/s pun) to the world and I was talking to people in different parts of the world about our common interests; it was something I otherwise could not find.
So I chose not to play MS anymore because it was interfering with aspects of my life that I ultimately decided were more important. I knew I couldn't do both things and so I stopped the thing I loved but I shouldn't take complete credit for it. At that time the game was going through some serious issues, such as hackers and roll backs constantly for a few months, and I was really fed up. I still surprise myself a little though, when I remember that it's been 2.5 years since I quit that and all video games, and have not gone back once (yes I played it on/off after HS). I guess now I continue to abstain not so much from the fear of a lack of self-control, but that there are other things I would rather be doing. It's not that I wouldn't enjoy playing something, hell I would enjoy it so damn much, but what makes me truly feel fulfilled? But what's wrong with temporary pleasure? Nothing, and I engage in it too, just in other ways. I suppose it is just a matter of lifestyle preference and everyone finds fulfillment in life differently. I have a friend who feels fulfilled by having worked his "40" hours a week (really 40+ in public accounting) and spending his remaining time on various social/leisure activities. I can understand that and I think that's what the original me would have wanted as well. But like I described in my previous post, I am aware of the two conflicting versions of me. Side note, I wrote that just before I read the part where Charlie Gordon describes himself similarly in Flowers for Algernon.
The "better" me, which really is how I regard the newer me, is always wondering what the hell am I even doing? Why do so many people go through life worrying about the unimportant things in their lives, ignorant to what's going on in the world? Every day science is making discoveries towards the creation of new technologies and cures, while the legal world is trying to promote social justice, while artists are providing us with emotional release and connections to one another, while the financial world is enriching our lives through a competitive market, and so on. So then why am I so often consumed by petty emotions when I should be excited to absorb all that I can possibly learn about the world in this short time we have on the planet? To constantly be thinking of ways to advance society, whether that is through simply sharing values, beliefs, and opinions on a matter on Youtube or by improving the lives of those less fortunate than us in an infinite number of ways?
Having an opinion shows that someone cares and that mentality is critical. If we cannot even form thoughts about something, how are we to shape the minds of the future? Not caring or apathy is the death of civilization, of art, of meaning, of truth. The only thing separating humans from other animals is our capacity for thought. But thought alone is not enough, we need independent thought. And that is why a democratic government and higher education are societal imperatives. So that we are free to have our own opinions and choices, and are equipped with the analytical ability to dissect situations to understand the truth (this concept of truth I would like to separately write about in the future). I really dislike people who don't value higher education, claiming that you can get the same education through reading and learning the books on your own. That is merely one aspect of university. If you're doing it right, the entire experience is a rigorous training that tests the limits of your mental capacity, both intellectually and emotionally. It is supposed to be stressful, show you the world and all its problems, and inspire you to go out there and make a difference, recognizing that it doesn't mean to go out there and find the cure for cancer, but that every seemingly small action we make throughout our lives, down to the seconds, will have an impact. And to just live a life of curiosity and learning.
So in the beginning of this unexpectedly long post I also mentioned DBSK. They have been disbanded for a while now but even as my music tastes shift, they will always be my favorite and I know this now. When I hear the individual members' voices, they feel incredibly familiar and I think I could recognize them if I heard it anywhere. There is this intense closeness I feel and of course, I can tell all their voices apart. Not uncommon, I do associate memories with songs so of course, their music holds a lot of meaning to me, despite not understanding the language. Speaking of which, one reason I am really glad I can understand/speak Mandarin is the ability to understand such songs. It opens the door to so much music for me and I have to say, the feeling when listening to music in Mandarin is different. The ability to understand multiple languages enriches our lives by providing access to other cultures to appreciate all it has to offer and to broaden our understanding of the world. And to the people who argue, what is there to care about in other cultures, I only have to say, please continue to remain ignorant in your small bubble, while those of us with the capacity to understand how the world is interconnected live a life rich with information and experiences.
Lastly, why is this post titled Paths? Because when I was considering these topics, I was wondering where I wanted to fall in all of this. What do I want in life? I'm almost 24 and there really is no time.
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