falling bravely?
Falling bravely... like what does that even mean? Passed the 1 yr Chicago mark like last month. I have what feels like a ton of responsibility at work suddenly and feel like crap slow, after feeling crap slow on other thing in Jan. Wtf. Going to fix this.
I am sad though. Why am I spending all this time being sad. Logically, there is nothing to be sad about. Sometimes you let people go if you like them. You can call it selfless. Hardly seems so. Just seems to be the decent thing to do. Seems to be sensible and give some sort of comfort knowing that it's "right." Yet this logical and simple response causes pain. I'm supposed to be experienced at pain and failure. This is nothing new. So why does it hurt like the first time, every time?
I read what I wrote in the past few posts, and while they're not untrue, I also think I left out that, occasionally I meet people I want more with. As in, I don't find it a turn off when they like me back? I can only assume. It hasn't really...happened. I mean, it happened for a short while with D a while back. I was briefly happy... And so stands, my favorite quote ever. Blah blah happiness is occasional episode in general drama of pain. There is like, no truer statement. There's gotta be someone out there that we're deathly attracted to each other and connect emotionally/intellectually and where I'm secure/independent. Right? And from there I think anything is possible.
Right now I need to learn things, cpa, green card, climb, find that person. Then when I can't climb anymore hopefully I will be able to teach high school. I can save a life. I think my HS teachers saved me. Definitely there was one. I would want to teach English.
I have less of a strong desire to leave Chicago now. Don't miss driving. If I move elsewhere, it'd have to have public transportation. I can only think of Seattle. I should visit my Seattle guy. I like being able to run/walk/bike to places I need to get to. If I tried to move, it'd be to get away from heartbreak, which is a stupid reason. I lived in west loop first. It was always the path I took to run to the gym, even if now it both passes by his office and apt.
The end of the world is happening right now and I am way more chill about it than under any other circumstance would be. Is that the silver lining? That because I am struggling to stay motivated with everything I've worked at for the past year, that I almost hope I get the virus. Then I can stop trying? Does this mean I want to stop trying? I would've thought I was stronger than this. I wish I could forget him entirely. Maybe in the future a pill like that will exist. My brain, as usual, does a splendid job at remembering best the things I wish to forget. Every one of our moments seared into my brain. I also get the pleasure of front row viewing to open dating/flirting with others at my safe space here in Chi. I should run south sometime and sit where I saw the giant moon that night. My only other safe space. I guess uptown gym has become a sort of safe space too. I can still feel anonymous there and that is nice to have. Didn't have that back home but did have my isolated lake.
So, falling bravely. I suppose the lesson here is that there is no "the one". There has literally been more than one the one. And the second lesson is that when I come across the one again, I will fall bravely and not be fucked from past trauma to the point of missing what's in front of me. So, for that to happen, I guess I have to stay alive. Also so I can repeatedly crank off a slopey pinch. Maybe one of those times I will land the next move.
I am sad though. Why am I spending all this time being sad. Logically, there is nothing to be sad about. Sometimes you let people go if you like them. You can call it selfless. Hardly seems so. Just seems to be the decent thing to do. Seems to be sensible and give some sort of comfort knowing that it's "right." Yet this logical and simple response causes pain. I'm supposed to be experienced at pain and failure. This is nothing new. So why does it hurt like the first time, every time?
I read what I wrote in the past few posts, and while they're not untrue, I also think I left out that, occasionally I meet people I want more with. As in, I don't find it a turn off when they like me back? I can only assume. It hasn't really...happened. I mean, it happened for a short while with D a while back. I was briefly happy... And so stands, my favorite quote ever. Blah blah happiness is occasional episode in general drama of pain. There is like, no truer statement. There's gotta be someone out there that we're deathly attracted to each other and connect emotionally/intellectually and where I'm secure/independent. Right? And from there I think anything is possible.
Right now I need to learn things, cpa, green card, climb, find that person. Then when I can't climb anymore hopefully I will be able to teach high school. I can save a life. I think my HS teachers saved me. Definitely there was one. I would want to teach English.
I have less of a strong desire to leave Chicago now. Don't miss driving. If I move elsewhere, it'd have to have public transportation. I can only think of Seattle. I should visit my Seattle guy. I like being able to run/walk/bike to places I need to get to. If I tried to move, it'd be to get away from heartbreak, which is a stupid reason. I lived in west loop first. It was always the path I took to run to the gym, even if now it both passes by his office and apt.
The end of the world is happening right now and I am way more chill about it than under any other circumstance would be. Is that the silver lining? That because I am struggling to stay motivated with everything I've worked at for the past year, that I almost hope I get the virus. Then I can stop trying? Does this mean I want to stop trying? I would've thought I was stronger than this. I wish I could forget him entirely. Maybe in the future a pill like that will exist. My brain, as usual, does a splendid job at remembering best the things I wish to forget. Every one of our moments seared into my brain. I also get the pleasure of front row viewing to open dating/flirting with others at my safe space here in Chi. I should run south sometime and sit where I saw the giant moon that night. My only other safe space. I guess uptown gym has become a sort of safe space too. I can still feel anonymous there and that is nice to have. Didn't have that back home but did have my isolated lake.
So, falling bravely. I suppose the lesson here is that there is no "the one". There has literally been more than one the one. And the second lesson is that when I come across the one again, I will fall bravely and not be fucked from past trauma to the point of missing what's in front of me. So, for that to happen, I guess I have to stay alive. Also so I can repeatedly crank off a slopey pinch. Maybe one of those times I will land the next move.
Comments