Almost a year in Chi

I'm currently typing this on my new and very different keyboard...it is going extremely slow. I got the Kinesis Advantage 2 today. Figured it was worth a shot to see if it would decrease wrist pain, maybe even improve my efficiency...

Never thought I'd have this day where I shell out this kind of money for something like this. But I guess I like this theme of surprise in my life. As I enter year two of work, I'm slipping a bit and I hate it. Or at least, the most recent task has given me a lot of struggle... Is it too much to ask to just want to be good at work, be smart, climb hard, and have some semblance of intimacy? 

It seems that the more people I meet, the older I get, the more I can't see myself in a relationship and the more commitment adverse I've become. I feel like I've got it figured out finally, and it's that sex is meaningless, it's separate from emotional intimacy or attachment I feel, and it's a turn off when I get the feeling that the other person actually is forming attachment. This would explain why I kept going back to R in 2018. I may have associated this shitty feeling of emotional abuse with caring and be attracted to it.

I think I'm done completely resisting who I am. I don't trust anyone enough to have emotional intimacy beyond a friendship level, and even if I did, the moment that happens, I'd lose interest by default. As for physical intimacy, it seems to be most enjoyable when I have options, because there will always be that pathetic side of me I can't kill that fixates on people. Lastly, I don't want to hurt anyone I know, but am not 100% above sleeping with someone I think is in a relationship.

So what I'm looking for can't be had and will continue to exist in separate worlds...which is ok because I need to focus on climbing and be capable of helping kids with everything going against them. I was once the kid that no one believed in and I was once the one who took 3 months to send her first 5.7 top rope without takes.