9 Week Update
Holy shit, I just realized in less than a month from my last post...I've slept with MD. Well, it was basically a month but technically short a few. That is nuts because shortly after I posted that, I pretty much gave up on that idea. It really just "kind of happened." Ok but let's back up for a second. I can't believe it's already the end of April in 2019. I can't believe it's been nearly 5 months since things ended with R! 5 months sounds like an eternity to me. I can't believe it is now the start of my 10th week here in Chicago. I can't believe an ex DT partner backed me up and believed in me. He's the only reason I'm here. And I know I can do better. I can do even better than I am currently doing at work and life. It's hard to see how I can possibly suddenly get smart and be fast at work, etc. but how did I get better at climbing? My "climbversary" was Apr. 18 I think. It's been 2 entire years. No way would I have seen where I'd be today in my climbing progress. But uh, yeah, back to the other thing... I guess I'm not a "good" or "bad" person...I'm just a person. I had decided not to pursue the allegedly taken person and just kept in contact out of boredom/trolling. But then, my most recent semi trolling comment got taken seriously and therefore, some events unfolded. It feels good to be right. It's almost unsettling how much I nailed it in the last post about how "something is up". I'll be honest, I don't feel that bad. Like, I feel a bit bad? What does this make me? Hey future me, don't think anything serious will develop here because if for some retarded reason you both attempt to embark on this, you will have trust issues forever, like, worse than with R probably. So don't.
Basically, I need to go find another distraction. Or not, I don't know, he does live conveniently around the block. Okay, maybe I haven't fully wrapped my head around what I just did. See, this is why I shouldn't have kids. Terrible role model. Swear too much. Loose morals. Drinks 80g of coffee in a day and has eye twitching all day long. I sure know how to pick em though.
Oh last sentiment. There's no point in being mediocre, might as well die trying to be something. That's how I feel when I'm pushing myself on my runs. That's how I should always feel. There's "oh shit stop" pain, and pain you run through. Most of it is the latter?
edit: I forgot to mention, that I almost forgot that I used to have to repeat v0 and v1's until I stopped being afraid of topping out or a certain "throwy" move. That's where I came from. I didn't know anyone else who climbed 5.10's that were as scared as I was of v0's. And recently I had to do the same thing on a v4 that I was having irrational fear on. But I did it a handful of times to train my mind. I legit nearly cried just remembering where I was less than a year ago. I'm not sure I see that kind of dedication/determination in people with similar fear as me, often anyway. I've recently met some people with the attitude of "oh I didn't send it clean on the first try what the hell" attitude and it baffles me. I'm thinking, it would kill you to know how long I spend projecting and finally am able to send a route clean.
Basically, I need to go find another distraction. Or not, I don't know, he does live conveniently around the block. Okay, maybe I haven't fully wrapped my head around what I just did. See, this is why I shouldn't have kids. Terrible role model. Swear too much. Loose morals. Drinks 80g of coffee in a day and has eye twitching all day long. I sure know how to pick em though.
Oh last sentiment. There's no point in being mediocre, might as well die trying to be something. That's how I feel when I'm pushing myself on my runs. That's how I should always feel. There's "oh shit stop" pain, and pain you run through. Most of it is the latter?
edit: I forgot to mention, that I almost forgot that I used to have to repeat v0 and v1's until I stopped being afraid of topping out or a certain "throwy" move. That's where I came from. I didn't know anyone else who climbed 5.10's that were as scared as I was of v0's. And recently I had to do the same thing on a v4 that I was having irrational fear on. But I did it a handful of times to train my mind. I legit nearly cried just remembering where I was less than a year ago. I'm not sure I see that kind of dedication/determination in people with similar fear as me, often anyway. I've recently met some people with the attitude of "oh I didn't send it clean on the first try what the hell" attitude and it baffles me. I'm thinking, it would kill you to know how long I spend projecting and finally am able to send a route clean.
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