New things
Being dramatic is who I am but all things considered, I think I'm pretty emotionally stable. If I was asked, I can easily pinpoint several times in my life where I encountered a "devastating" event. I make a big deal out of most insignificant things but when it counts, I'm usually calm and logical. I may take a couple hours or day to regroup if it's an urgent issue that needs to be resolved. Namely, I was "let go" from my short stint in public accounting last month. They only cited a lack of work and the managers I worked for had no idea. I wasn't on a performance improvement plan and had no bad reviews. I definitely didn't enjoy my time there and didn't fit in, so while it felt unreal and like being unexpectedly slapped getting the news in the very same room I was hired in, a small part of me felt relieved. I had been casually browsing for job postings already. I was given 2 weeks to job search while being employed, and I got a lot more response than I expected. I even negotiated an offer for the first time and was at my new job in the same month, with a week long vacation in SF to boot. The whole situation turned out way better than I could've imagined. So far I am liking the new job and the people as well!
Nonetheless, this change had me thinking about long term goals. How desperately do I want to go to T14 law? My mom was right that in that if I pick this path, the road will be long and hard, and I will be giving up what most people can't. I'd risk losing or significantly delaying my chance at a "normal" family life. Not that I care right now, but what if someday I do and it's too late? What if ten or twenty years from now I look back and regret not settling with one of two specific people I dated who were definitely the safest choices? I however don't want to just plateau now. It's so easy to just do relaxing things after work that require no thinking, such as partying/hanging out. I think I want to be one of those people that learn other things in their spare time. Sure there is value in socializing, but there are endless things I want to get better at or start for the first time. Interestingly enough, the day before I got the news from my old job I went rock climbing for the first time. Since then I've gotten quite addicted and it's an interest I would've never expected myself to pick up. Additionally, I'm preparing for a tri sprint race. Through these things I've met "a ton" of new people. And two realizations are important: (1) I am grateful to have the capacity to self-improve, and (2) I've never really put myself in someone else's shoes before. But it just clicked one day, today in fact. My thoughts are almost always "me me me" but something good must have broke, because while I was wondering why something about the interaction felt off, I tried to envision what I looked like from a 3rd party. And instead of overanalyzing someone else's actions, the biggest difference is that I was thinking about mine! As for being thankful, I recently read a sad snippet of a disabled person's life. So even though I was pushing myself to run a little longer and faster, I realized that it was a gift to be able to do that. I have the physical and mental power to change myself. Just the fact that I am able to run, to move freely, and to be able to do something like climb a wall is amazing. So it doesn't matter that I suck at it now because I can get better, even if it's slowly.
I want to live my life to the fullest. Even if it's a little more tiring, the aftermath is more rewarding. I don't want to enter a snowballing cycle of self loathing. But it's not that simple, because when I had that demanding job in NYC, I definitely sold my soul to it. It became the reason to live and breathe because I thought enduring it would yield unparalleled results. Maybe a second time around would be different. But I thought that was the answer to becoming the best version of me. As someone I knew aptly put it, it is the combination of everything that makes you a better person.
Nonetheless, this change had me thinking about long term goals. How desperately do I want to go to T14 law? My mom was right that in that if I pick this path, the road will be long and hard, and I will be giving up what most people can't. I'd risk losing or significantly delaying my chance at a "normal" family life. Not that I care right now, but what if someday I do and it's too late? What if ten or twenty years from now I look back and regret not settling with one of two specific people I dated who were definitely the safest choices? I however don't want to just plateau now. It's so easy to just do relaxing things after work that require no thinking, such as partying/hanging out. I think I want to be one of those people that learn other things in their spare time. Sure there is value in socializing, but there are endless things I want to get better at or start for the first time. Interestingly enough, the day before I got the news from my old job I went rock climbing for the first time. Since then I've gotten quite addicted and it's an interest I would've never expected myself to pick up. Additionally, I'm preparing for a tri sprint race. Through these things I've met "a ton" of new people. And two realizations are important: (1) I am grateful to have the capacity to self-improve, and (2) I've never really put myself in someone else's shoes before. But it just clicked one day, today in fact. My thoughts are almost always "me me me" but something good must have broke, because while I was wondering why something about the interaction felt off, I tried to envision what I looked like from a 3rd party. And instead of overanalyzing someone else's actions, the biggest difference is that I was thinking about mine! As for being thankful, I recently read a sad snippet of a disabled person's life. So even though I was pushing myself to run a little longer and faster, I realized that it was a gift to be able to do that. I have the physical and mental power to change myself. Just the fact that I am able to run, to move freely, and to be able to do something like climb a wall is amazing. So it doesn't matter that I suck at it now because I can get better, even if it's slowly.
I want to live my life to the fullest. Even if it's a little more tiring, the aftermath is more rewarding. I don't want to enter a snowballing cycle of self loathing. But it's not that simple, because when I had that demanding job in NYC, I definitely sold my soul to it. It became the reason to live and breathe because I thought enduring it would yield unparalleled results. Maybe a second time around would be different. But I thought that was the answer to becoming the best version of me. As someone I knew aptly put it, it is the combination of everything that makes you a better person.
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