The truth is...
Art is every bit as important as the sciences. I'm reminded of the quote, "People were made of nothing so much as dust, and I couldn't see that doctoring all that dust was a bit better than writing poems people would remember and repeat to themselves when they were unhappy or sick or couldn't sleep." The conclusion dawned on me as I was listening to some old school DBSK songs. The five of them will always mean so much to me and it's kind of crazy because they don't even know I exist. But the music they made and their voices, there is a warmth to it, will always make me feel at home. If I could just put one thing on my bucket list, it'd be to hear them live. Jae/Su/Min's voices especially, but a song is incomplete without all of them together.
Speaking of irreplaceable, I think I've come to accept that O will always remain a significant person who used to be in my life. I was expecting or hoping with time, he'd fade into the background with the rest. But the truth is, sometimes I still miss him. I miss his friendship and miss him in my life. I hope he's happy and achieves everything he wants. I hope he doesn't get sick and has friends to talk to when he's down. Maybe somewhere in another dimension in another universe the story would've continued, but in this one the pages are all done. All that's left is to cope with the infinite emptiness - he may as well be dead. The truth is, it feels like a part of me is missing. And I'm tired, tired of wondering when I'll stop feeling this way. Just like my emotions halted approximately twelve hours before we really met for the first time, they were at a standstill for days after it all ended. How strange is it to want to cry and physically not be able to?
To see it in their eyes, to hear it in their voice, that there is nothing left to fight for - I hate to have to do that to anyone. If it needs to be done, however, it will get done. And that is what happened in December. Sometimes you don't realize how unhappy you are until you leave the situation. I may have never been so relieved and happy to be single. Why did I start going on dates last year? What was I trying to accomplish or find? I never want a family or children, so there is even less point of me dating. I mean, tinder is fine if I want, but beyond that, what was the point?
But this isn't a post entirely dedicated to romantic relationships. At the start of this year I went to national training in Atlanta with the rest of the first year associates (A1) that started sometime last year across all the U.S. offices. It was an invaluable experience that exceeded my expectations in every way. For years I've heard about these national trainings that A1s or interns get sent to, but never got the opportunity. I'm grateful I met so many memorable people over the 5 days and for the food, the events, the stay, and logistics. The HR propaganda I didn't care much for, but the technical training day I selected could not have been a better fit. I don't know what got into me but I'm not sure I've ever been as extroverted as I was throughout the training. I introduced myself to groups at a time, speaking things as everyone was listening/watching. It reminded me that work can be fun and coworkers can come really close to being friends. I realized then what a stark contrast it was to my everyday work situation. Oftentimes, I forgot they were my coworkers when we went out to various bars after dinner each night. I clicked best with the Cali crowd and a few individuals from the Dallas, Seattle, Chicago, and Wichita offices.
I did go with an agenda, however, to meet people from offices I would consider relocating to. But without even realizing it until I was on my flight back, I had an interest in meeting new people. People used to tell me "meeting new people" was one of their interests and I would never understand. It occurred to me I always enjoyed that, just through another medium: the internet. One of the reasons I had an okc profile for so long was because I liked browsing profiles from all over the country. It gave a glimpse of what someone was like, bits and pieces of their life story. I talk to people in IRCs, I private message redditors, and I socialize in games. The truth is, I want to understand people. My one friend thinks that's pointless because it's impossible, but I disagree. I want to know why people are the way they are and do the things they do. It's like reading a book in real time and we are all characters in it.
I feel as though so much luck was involved. On the first night, during the open bar mixer, I just happened to be there at that time, getting food in that particular line, and turning around to say hi to the person behind me at that moment. The decision was totally random but we sat down together and talked. She was from Dallas and introduced me to the others in her office. I got to meet this one lawyer guy who was funny in a clever way. Not a terrible amount of words were exchanged, but that's all it takes to get a feel for someone. I liked him a lot, but it's difficult to keep in touch with people from different places. It was definitely a great reminder of the kind of people I want to meet more of and to eventually become. After the mixer ended I just chilled with all of them at one of the hotel bars. There I learned of yet another romantic story from my Dallas friend about her and her s.o. I like these kinds of stories because of the way the person talks about their s.o., as if they've found their other half, and for a moment I suspend reality to believe it.
Also on the first night when I was waiting in line to check in, I said hi to a guy from Seattle. I don't really brag but I think I'm pretty good at picking out people. We didn't get to talk much during the entire training but I knew he was someone I wanted to keep in touch with. How do you maximize very limited time with so many people? I wish I knew how to network more efficiently, but it's a start. How do you get a meaningful conversation out of people in the shortest amount of time? How do you get people to trust and open up to you? Anyway, the trend seems to be me meeting people in lines.
The next morning I had meant to sit down at the same table as my Dallas friend but accidentally sat down at another table beside hers. The presentation had just started and I assumed the empty chair I saw was the same one I sat in a moment ago. For over two hours I sat unsuspectingly, thinking they were from anywhere but California. I was almost going to get up and leave without saying anything, but I or someone said hi. As they say, the rest is history. I'd met the LA and Irvine crowd. Turned out one of the guys was in the same technical training afterwards as me so I was determined to make him my "in". It sounds a bit manipulative I guess. At dinner, however, I tried to spot them but couldn't, so I sat down randomly. What do you know, I met the cool Wichita crowd. But they weren't really the partying type, not that I am, but I don't think they went out a single night.
When some of the room cleared out, I finally managed to spot the LA crew. I awkwardly integrated myself and my new friend with their evening plans. But it all worked out and we, well some of us, went from restaurant to bar to another more exclusive bar. It was so awesome that we decided to go there again the next night, but not before one of the guys left a nice keepsake on the streets of downtown Atlanta.
Honestly, I'm struggling to write this because I want to focus on the bigger picture, because I don't want to look back at my entries to read my mundane daily tasks. At the same time, I want to remember all the details so I can keep the moments with me as long as possible. How can I paint a picture without describing everything?
The second night we were out even later, but it was also the last night for many people as most left Wednesday afternoon. Unexpectedly, one of the presenters from my technical session was at the bar with us. I don't know who he came with but I got to talk to him a little. Us partnership people are just so chill. A few of us then migrated to the karaoke bar across the street. It wasn't individual rooms like I'd hoped. Next time.
Wednesday afternoon rolled around and I said my goodbyes to everyone. My energy pretty much dropped from 100 to 10 after that. The atmosphere wasn't the same anymore and I exponentially reverted to my quiet self. Less than a quarter of us had to stay an extra day for a separate firm culture event. I could barely gather people to go out that night, which was accurate foreshadowing for how lame that night went. I got everyone together, yet was first to leave. The entire experience was the first time I had to try to get several different groups of people to hang out together. It was difficult making sure everyone was contacted, keeping track of where everyone was, and hoping people wouldn't be picky. I guess I wanted to keep everyone included and for more people to meet one another.
Well, that's about it. West coast best coast, rite?
Speaking of irreplaceable, I think I've come to accept that O will always remain a significant person who used to be in my life. I was expecting or hoping with time, he'd fade into the background with the rest. But the truth is, sometimes I still miss him. I miss his friendship and miss him in my life. I hope he's happy and achieves everything he wants. I hope he doesn't get sick and has friends to talk to when he's down. Maybe somewhere in another dimension in another universe the story would've continued, but in this one the pages are all done. All that's left is to cope with the infinite emptiness - he may as well be dead. The truth is, it feels like a part of me is missing. And I'm tired, tired of wondering when I'll stop feeling this way. Just like my emotions halted approximately twelve hours before we really met for the first time, they were at a standstill for days after it all ended. How strange is it to want to cry and physically not be able to?
To see it in their eyes, to hear it in their voice, that there is nothing left to fight for - I hate to have to do that to anyone. If it needs to be done, however, it will get done. And that is what happened in December. Sometimes you don't realize how unhappy you are until you leave the situation. I may have never been so relieved and happy to be single. Why did I start going on dates last year? What was I trying to accomplish or find? I never want a family or children, so there is even less point of me dating. I mean, tinder is fine if I want, but beyond that, what was the point?
But this isn't a post entirely dedicated to romantic relationships. At the start of this year I went to national training in Atlanta with the rest of the first year associates (A1) that started sometime last year across all the U.S. offices. It was an invaluable experience that exceeded my expectations in every way. For years I've heard about these national trainings that A1s or interns get sent to, but never got the opportunity. I'm grateful I met so many memorable people over the 5 days and for the food, the events, the stay, and logistics. The HR propaganda I didn't care much for, but the technical training day I selected could not have been a better fit. I don't know what got into me but I'm not sure I've ever been as extroverted as I was throughout the training. I introduced myself to groups at a time, speaking things as everyone was listening/watching. It reminded me that work can be fun and coworkers can come really close to being friends. I realized then what a stark contrast it was to my everyday work situation. Oftentimes, I forgot they were my coworkers when we went out to various bars after dinner each night. I clicked best with the Cali crowd and a few individuals from the Dallas, Seattle, Chicago, and Wichita offices.
I did go with an agenda, however, to meet people from offices I would consider relocating to. But without even realizing it until I was on my flight back, I had an interest in meeting new people. People used to tell me "meeting new people" was one of their interests and I would never understand. It occurred to me I always enjoyed that, just through another medium: the internet. One of the reasons I had an okc profile for so long was because I liked browsing profiles from all over the country. It gave a glimpse of what someone was like, bits and pieces of their life story. I talk to people in IRCs, I private message redditors, and I socialize in games. The truth is, I want to understand people. My one friend thinks that's pointless because it's impossible, but I disagree. I want to know why people are the way they are and do the things they do. It's like reading a book in real time and we are all characters in it.
I feel as though so much luck was involved. On the first night, during the open bar mixer, I just happened to be there at that time, getting food in that particular line, and turning around to say hi to the person behind me at that moment. The decision was totally random but we sat down together and talked. She was from Dallas and introduced me to the others in her office. I got to meet this one lawyer guy who was funny in a clever way. Not a terrible amount of words were exchanged, but that's all it takes to get a feel for someone. I liked him a lot, but it's difficult to keep in touch with people from different places. It was definitely a great reminder of the kind of people I want to meet more of and to eventually become. After the mixer ended I just chilled with all of them at one of the hotel bars. There I learned of yet another romantic story from my Dallas friend about her and her s.o. I like these kinds of stories because of the way the person talks about their s.o., as if they've found their other half, and for a moment I suspend reality to believe it.
Also on the first night when I was waiting in line to check in, I said hi to a guy from Seattle. I don't really brag but I think I'm pretty good at picking out people. We didn't get to talk much during the entire training but I knew he was someone I wanted to keep in touch with. How do you maximize very limited time with so many people? I wish I knew how to network more efficiently, but it's a start. How do you get a meaningful conversation out of people in the shortest amount of time? How do you get people to trust and open up to you? Anyway, the trend seems to be me meeting people in lines.
The next morning I had meant to sit down at the same table as my Dallas friend but accidentally sat down at another table beside hers. The presentation had just started and I assumed the empty chair I saw was the same one I sat in a moment ago. For over two hours I sat unsuspectingly, thinking they were from anywhere but California. I was almost going to get up and leave without saying anything, but I or someone said hi. As they say, the rest is history. I'd met the LA and Irvine crowd. Turned out one of the guys was in the same technical training afterwards as me so I was determined to make him my "in". It sounds a bit manipulative I guess. At dinner, however, I tried to spot them but couldn't, so I sat down randomly. What do you know, I met the cool Wichita crowd. But they weren't really the partying type, not that I am, but I don't think they went out a single night.
When some of the room cleared out, I finally managed to spot the LA crew. I awkwardly integrated myself and my new friend with their evening plans. But it all worked out and we, well some of us, went from restaurant to bar to another more exclusive bar. It was so awesome that we decided to go there again the next night, but not before one of the guys left a nice keepsake on the streets of downtown Atlanta.
Honestly, I'm struggling to write this because I want to focus on the bigger picture, because I don't want to look back at my entries to read my mundane daily tasks. At the same time, I want to remember all the details so I can keep the moments with me as long as possible. How can I paint a picture without describing everything?
The second night we were out even later, but it was also the last night for many people as most left Wednesday afternoon. Unexpectedly, one of the presenters from my technical session was at the bar with us. I don't know who he came with but I got to talk to him a little. Us partnership people are just so chill. A few of us then migrated to the karaoke bar across the street. It wasn't individual rooms like I'd hoped. Next time.
Wednesday afternoon rolled around and I said my goodbyes to everyone. My energy pretty much dropped from 100 to 10 after that. The atmosphere wasn't the same anymore and I exponentially reverted to my quiet self. Less than a quarter of us had to stay an extra day for a separate firm culture event. I could barely gather people to go out that night, which was accurate foreshadowing for how lame that night went. I got everyone together, yet was first to leave. The entire experience was the first time I had to try to get several different groups of people to hang out together. It was difficult making sure everyone was contacted, keeping track of where everyone was, and hoping people wouldn't be picky. I guess I wanted to keep everyone included and for more people to meet one another.
Well, that's about it. West coast best coast, rite?
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